my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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