i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
