just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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