some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
