I wish my penis had an off switch
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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