I skipped work to stalk him.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
