maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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