I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
