the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
