I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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