im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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