I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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