Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
