I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
