Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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