If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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