I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My orgasm happened in two different decades
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
