well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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