Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
