I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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