if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
