my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he quoted the bible to break up with me
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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