my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
