Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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