she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
