I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
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distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
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I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.