No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours