OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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