Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs