Did I show you my penis last night?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
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He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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