i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
