My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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