I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
