you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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