I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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