Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?