Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
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He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
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He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.