I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica