I'm eating all of the evidence.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
