I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
