Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize