The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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