oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
