My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are my feet made of real feet?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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