Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Randomize
