just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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