It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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