I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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