This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
there is puke in my bra ... again
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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