your thong is hanging out like whoa
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
