I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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