I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
