Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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