Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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