Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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