3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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