I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
