the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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