I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
