My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
