I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
