Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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