So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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