I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
