This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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