3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
