Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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