Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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