and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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