i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
no, he came in my armpit
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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