eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
